a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
