o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
