I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Even my vagina gasped.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
