I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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