im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
