My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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