It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
