If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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