She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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