i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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