At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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