she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
