I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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