Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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