I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
