I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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