I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
