I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
