If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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