i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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