Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
