And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
