My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
