I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
soo... how was my night?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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