During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
