oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
