Will you blow on my dice?
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
