I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
