I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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