Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
