Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
