Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
