it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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