the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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