you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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