I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
