I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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