I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
