im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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