i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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