I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
