i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
