she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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