Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
