I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize