Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
