Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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