taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
