Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
