He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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