Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
