Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
did i walk over a car last night?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
