I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
