Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
